The decade of change

As I embark on my last week in my 20's, I can't help but reflect back on what a dynamic decade it was.  When I turned 20, I was in my sophomore year of college at UTC, living on Thrasher Pike & had just gotten out of a relationship which left me feeling completely lost and lonely in my new life out of high school in a new place. I soon made some friends at UTC through some classes and reconnected with some high school friends who had made their way to the big city as well.  I was accepted into PT school the fall of my junior year and finally my life plan was starting.  All my hard work, volunteering and studying had paid off.  I made my way through hell, I mean PT school, finding sweet friends along the way and several frogs, as the saying goes you have to "kiss a few frogs to find your prince,"  I graduated, found a job and then adulthood.  Still something in my life was missing.  After experiencing the true "college" experience for 5 years, putting myself first, I began to realize God was not where He should be in my life.  The many distractions of life like studying, friends, boys, money, clothes, and nights out can really push Him into last place.  I knew I needed to put Him first and trust Him more with my life.  At age 25, that's what I finally did, little by little.  It wasn't all at once by any means.  He knew I was a work in progress.

At a friend's wedding in April 2010, this handsome preacher's kid that I was thought I was to "wild" for, got my attention.  I had known him since about 6th grade, when I met him at Bible Camp.  He had been trying to date me for years, yet I just thought I was not good enough for him and that we were to different.  But I decided to ask him to the movies just by chance.  My bestest friend who knows me better than myself sometimes, Jenny, put the idea in my head. (I owe you big).  What I thought would be an awkward silence date that evening, was the best first date ever.  Maybe we weren't so different.  The dates continued and my confidence in God's plan for me with the right man, a man of my same faith, also grew.  By searching for God, I found Mr. Right.  How cliche, right? Just amazing. Even despite the 5 months of long distance during football season we endured, we made it through.

On December 22nd, 2010-- Caleb popped the question and that following summer at age 26, we were married.  At that point, life could not have gotten any better.  We were soon able to buy our first home that winter and get our sweet Manning the next spring.  Again, life was grand.  Then along came Dolly.  Life was more grand.  Having a baby was originally our "5 year plan" because I was not trusting enough in God that we could afford or have the support we needed to care for a baby before then. No one is perfect all the time and I admit, I should have never doubted it at all.  I eventually let my guard down and just put it in His hands.  If we were supposed to have a baby before being married 5 years, then God would time it to be so.  Well, He did. On May 3rd, 2014 our lives got unbelievably better with our sweet Wylie Jewell.  The first month of her life was not easy, but without faith in Him and how He had already guided my life and took care of me, I would have never made it. I had been so worried about finding a nanny for her since we live 45+ minutes from all family.  No worries, He sent me 2 sweet angels that care for my girl every week so she can nap in her own crib and not be around germs. I thank Him every cold morning when I leave that I don't have to get her out in the weather. I took another leap of faith in changing jobs when Wylie was 4 months old so I would have more time and flexibility with her before she got all grown up.  I had never been more scared in my life, but He held my hand and got me through it.  Now, I am blessed with the greatest gift of more time with my Wylie.  Every morning and afternoon I get with her just fills my heart with joy and restores my walk.  Restores the fact that I will never ever stray from the Almighty and His awesome plan for my life ever again.  Being His servant here on this earth by caring for those in need and my daughter is the greatest job I could ever ask for.

I enter my 30's with great hopes for even more blessings in His plan for our lives and without a shadow of a doubt know that He will always provide a way.  His way is always better than mine.  You can see that by just bisecting my 20's in half.  The first half without Him I was "okay" but it was all my way, not His.  The second half was His way that I finally allowed and it was simply amazing.  You can ask anyone what a big stress ball I used to be, even in high school.  While I still have OCD tendencies and a timely ordered plan, it's a lot easier for me these days to just let it roll and put my faith in something higher than me.  Higher than this world.  Higher than evil.  Higher than our government.  Higher than disease.  Higher than finances.  Higher than daily struggles and frustrations.  My heart is content.  His ways are just.  The song by Carrie Underwood speaks volumes, "Jesus take the wheel."  I couldn't have done all this on my own.  At least not as gracefully. 

While I am in disbelief that I will soon be 30, I can happily leave my 20's behind and be grateful for each and every experience, example, shortcoming, person and blessing.  God may have every year of my 30's.  I can't wait to see what He will do with this decade. 

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. Proverbs 16:3

Amen. 

Variety is the Spice of Life, right?

 It's evident there is no "right way" to raise a child.  Look around and it's so evident.  But we all should just try and respect the ways we suggest to others who may be struggling.  Because you never know, it just may work!

Some things I've learned (and still working on) from motherhood to is be open minded, listen to any and all advice (heeding with caution and making the final decision with Caleb), try new things, go with the flow, pray a lot, and just do what keeps my baby happy, safe and healthy, which thankfully isn't hard to do! I followed Babywise, "eat-wake-sleep pattern" from 4 weeks on and Wylie was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks. I have several friends whose babies did the same thing with this method. I highly recommend this method to every mom! No, it's not starvation or crying it out. It's letting a pattern fall in place so you always know mostly what your baby is needing at that time. It helps reduce the dependence on sleep crutches such as feeding to sleep, co sleeping, cat naps, over feeding, wasting milk because they weren't really hungry, etc. Now at 5 months she sleeps 12 hours. Occasionally I hear her at 3am but she just fusses a little then starts cooing and falls back asleep on her own without me even entering her room. Most ppl don't want an independent baby. Well I'm a very independent woman (only child syndrome) and I want my girl to grow up to be one too (not necessarily an only child).  :-) Someone will not always be right there to solve the world's problems for u, no matter how large or small. So reliance and confidence in yourself and God is a invaluable quality to have. You can never instill this message to early even if she is still an infant. I know babies are all different so I sure hope the next baby is this easy because she sure has me spoiled rotten!

I may not do everything right. Nor do I follow all the norms or traditions. I am not overly conservative or liberal either. I use hippie oils before medicine on my baby. I plan to let her start feeding herself at 6 months. I have a baby that can put herself to sleep and back to sleep in her own bed (or tent currently at nap time -see an open mind), which helps lead to a well rested, non-stressed mama and daddy! A baby that loves to eat homemade baby food from local farmers. A baby that smiles ALL THE TIME since her birthday! While I may not do things your way, I certainly have a smart, developing, super happy, and very healthy baby to show for it. So I must not be screwing up to bad. God made us all different because if we were all the same, that would be too easy. To each their own! Amen!

Before I was a mom

Although the TimeHop app will tell me tomorrow, I already know exactly what I was doing this time last year on a rainy Saturday night.  Caleb went to the jamboree to watch other local teams and I stayed home since it was raining.  I ordered a pizza and watched a "rom-com" as Caleb refers to romantic comedies.  Manning was especially cuddly that night.  He kept his head in my lap the entire time.  Even when the pizza guy rang the door bell.  Little did I know, 4 days later I would take a pregnancy test and it would be positive.  My guess is Manning already knew.

I took this picture that night just thinking I smelled like bacon or something:

I saw another blog today that I guess inspired this post.  I haven't had much time to put my thoughts into words lately obviously because I've learned as Wylie gets older, she is needing more attention.  She gets bored with one activity then needs another.  She cannot stand to be still very long.  She likes to sit or stand up.  She is over being horizontal. She also doesn't sleep during the day as much as she used to.  Each new stage is more fun and I love learning along with her.  I often wondered what moms do at home all the time.  A weekend at home for me used to be so nice, relaxing and productive.  Now a weekend at home not going anywhere is just a normal thing yet nothing gets done.  I look back to what I was doing one year ago- watching a movie, ordering pizza and relaxing with my pups on a rainy August night.  Not knowing how my life was about to change.  How I was about to change.  For the better.

Before I was a mom, I slept 8-9 hours a night without interruption or a trip to the bathroom.
Before I was a mom, I cared what other people thought about everything from my clothes to my hair to my house.
Before I was a mom, I kept my house clutter free and burp cloths were not on every table.
Before I was a mom, I didn't sing kids songs in the car at the top of my lungs to prevent crying.
Before I was a mom, I didn't have spit stains on my shoulder.  Or milk in my hair.
Before I was a mom, I was able to eat 3 full meals a day, sitting down, at a decent hour and finish it without interruption.
Before I was a mom, I took long, hot showers.
Before I was a mom, I got regular pedicures every couple months and regular date nights every weekend.
Before I was a mom, my shopping cart was full of stuff, not a baby carrier.  (At least I don't buy as much)
Before I was a mom, I didn't read the chapter on c-sections or did I have a 4" scar across my lower abdomen.
Before I was a mom, the "girls" had a higher altitude.
Before I was a mom, I ran on my schedule and my schedule alone.
Before I was a mom, I organized my closet for fun.
Before I was a mom, I didn't know if I had what it took to be a mom.
Before I was a mom, I was scared to death of becoming a mom.
Before I was a mom, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to be a mom or we would have conception troubles.
Before I was a mom, I thought we could never "afford" to have a baby.
Before I was a mom, I thought I had a good life.
Before I was a mom, I didn't even know just how fulfilling life could be.
Before I was a mom, I wasn't half as strong of a woman that I am now.
Before I was a mom, it was all about me.

As everyone says, being a mom is the most rewarding and most challenging job there is and this is correct. It's also a job that can teach you a lot about yourself, your faith, your husband and your priorities.  Although she be little, Wylie has changed me and influenced my thoughts, actions, motives and outlook more than I ever could have imagined.  This little girl will never know just how much she means to me and what she has taught me about myself, my life, and my faith in God.  Every day is new and exciting and she truly makes getting up and coming home worth every ounce of effort. 

To the stay at home mom

I will preface this post by saying I am not "knocking" the job of a stay at home mom.  I know it's hard work. I know you have a lot to do and being with kids all day can sometimes drive you crazy and you long to converse with adults and be normal.  I know some of you have sacrificed a lot maybe financially to be able to stay at home and it's not easy money wise.  Again, I am not dissing you or your job as a stay at home mom.  I am simply expressing that the next time you feel frustrated that your child won't nap, pitches a fit, makes a mess or gets on your last nerve, think of the working mother who would give her left arm to be able to experience all of these moments.  Because not only does she miss the bad times, she misses the good ones as well.  Not only does she have to spend time with her child just at night and on the weekends, but she also has to fit in the laundry, the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the cooking, the husband, her friends, errands, etc, etc, etc in that limited amount of time as well.  As I spend my last week at home, I have so many fears, doubts, anxiety, tears and uncertainty.  All I can do is give it to God, but it's not very easy to do.  While I have found 2 wonderful ladies to take care of my sweet baby girl, I resent the fact that I have to pay someone to do what I would gladly do in a heartbeat, all day everyday, myself.  I am blessed to have gotten to spend 12 weeks with my little girl as I know others don't get to take off that long of time after having a baby.  As I try to focus on the positive, the negative just keeps creeping in with every minute that passes me by.  I am about to embark on the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  Working full time as a physical therapist & running my clinic, being a wife, being a mother, being a maid, being a cook, taking care of the dogs, studying for my McKenzie certification exam in November, staying in shape by attending two 6am boot camp classes per week and then walking at least with Wylie the other days, and keeping up my Christian walk with Bible study and small group.  All at the beginning of football season, our busiest time of the year until December.  And both sets of grandparents are 45+ minutes away. Deep breaths.  Deep breaths.  Deep breaths. 

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 1 Chronicles 16:11  Seek the LORD and his strength;  seek his presence continually!

Exodus 15:2 The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

To the Stay at Home Mom:

To those lucky few,
I truly envy you.
You say it's hard
and I know this is true.

But what is more so,
is when you have to go.
When you are not where you want to be,
which is with your baby.

You aren't missing them
because you are there.
You aren't wondering and worrying
For they are in your care.

You don't have the guilt
You've got more time.
The balancing act of work and being a mommy
Just doesn't seem to align.

So next time your frustrated while being at home,
Think about me and just change your tone.

For I would love to be there for it all.
For every mess, every diaper, every tantrum and fall.

For every kiss, every cuddle, every breath, every sigh.
Every game, every milestone, every laugh, every cry.

I wish I could have extra time in my day.
How will I be a working mom and wife?
All I can do is pray. 

The learning curve of being a mom

10 weeks is a good amount of time.  I've enjoyed every minute (mostly) & learned a ton.  I'm very sad over only having 2 weeks left at home with her but I know it's all God's will and timing and He will provide our way and make it all work for us.  Luckily, I work close to home so I'm thankful for that!  I have complied a list of the things I've learned thus far and just updating from my last blog where I must have looked like a doomed mother.  Wylie has been super healthy ever since getting over her infection and things have gotten so much easier.  It's not always easy, but it's much better! God truly was giving me the strength and skills He knew I would need to care for this little firecracker.  He gave me the strength to let the little things go and not worry over every little thing like some moms can tend to do.  My heart and emotions have gained strength and I'm a tougher, better mother for it.

1.  Play mats are the best.  I know the music from it by heart.
2.  Wylie hates her swing.  She would rather be active/moving. Glad I just borrowed one to see instead of buying!
3.  Swaddle blankets are da bomb.  The instant calm and smile when she knows she is about to be swaddled is like magic!
4.  The book "Moo, baa, la la la."  I can quote it word for word. I need Rain Drop Plop and the Llama series too! I had those memorized from babysitting days in grad school.
5.  White noise is essential. We like rain.
6.  Lavender essential oil is essential.
7.  So is DiGize.
8.  So is an amazing, helpful, loving husband. I feel so sorry for single mothers.  Caleb has been my rock.
9.  So is an amazing mom to help you and encourage you and that knows exactly how you like everything done from the dogs, the laundry, the cleaning, the feeding, the diaper changing.  I'm so lucky she is willing to come help us so much.  And a thrifty mother in law that can find amazing deals on toys, clothes, etc makes life easier too.  Wylie is abundantly blessed and well dressed!
10.  Sleep is overrated. But we are finally getting about 8 hours straight a night!
11.  I will never get it all done.  Yes, I learned that.  I will need a constant reminder daily.
12.  I will never have time to blog again once I return to work.  Or cook probably.  Or shop.  Or clean.
13.  I will have a happy baby to love on and that's what is most important.
14.  I can never take enough pictures of her. Sorry to my FB and instagram followers. 
15.  I need a 32 gig iPhone storage capacity.
16.  Never ever get dressed until the last minute before leaving, or be draped completely in a towel and burp cloth if you are.
17.  Naps are important.  For the baby too.
18.  Baby milestones are so fun to feed my desire to accomplish and achieve things! So proud of my girl!
19.  Baby smiles are pretty much the greatest thing ever.
20.  When babies poop, it's pretty hilarious to watch.
21.  When Caleb cover his nose with his shirt while changing a poopy diaper is also hilarious to watch.
22.  Baby cries all sound different.  There are "push out cries" (not really anything is wrong), "horror movie cries" (hurting or super mad), "cat in a garbage disposal cries" (just complaining), and the obvious "wet, feed me, I'm tired" cries. Caleb and I enjoy naming them.
23.  Eat. Poop. Wake. Sleep.  It's pretty basic.
24.  Strollers are hard to push up big hills.
25.  Baby cuddles are the sweetest.
26.  Keep burp cloths in every room.  On every table.
27.  Basements make great diaper hoarding facilities.
28.  Sophie is NOT a $23 dog toy.  Do NOT squeak around the dogs.
29.  Dolly likes to eat pacifiers. So keep them out of her reach.
30.  I never knew I would take such pride and joy in loud burps.
31.  Baby feet are like my new obsession.
32.  Baby talk is adorable.
33.  Clipping fingernails is terrifying.  
34.  Their hair just won't lay down.  Just stick a head band or bow in it and get on with your day.
35.  The Otteroo is by far my most recommended baby accessory.
36.  The vacuum cleaner is perfect white noise.
37.  The Ergo baby carrier is a life saver.  Those other carrier/wrap systems confuse the heck outta me no matter how many You Tube videos I watch.
38.  They don't need special detergent. 
39.  Car rides, stroller rides and buggy rides are instant sleep aides.
40.  Babies smell amazing.
41.  I will never use all the baby shampoo, soap and lotion I have.
42.  When they wake up and stretch, I melt into a puddle.  It's the most adorable thing ever when she opens her eyes and smiles at me. 
43.  Life will never be the same and that's perfectly fine.
44.  Date nights at home with my family are little pieces of heaven.
45.  Every kid needs a dog.  Especially a crazy German Shepherd and silly bloodhound.
46.  There is no other love like this.
47.  It was all worth it.

No one warned me- A First Time Mother's "Bliss"

No one warned me. No one told me the hard parts. No one shows the non glamorous side of motherhood and who would dare discuss it and seem like they were complaining.  No, I'm not talking about sleepless nights, spit up, pee or poop. I will take that all day long folks. No one told me how alone being a mom makes you feel. No one told me how badly you will mourn your former life and self then feel horribly selfish for it at the same time. No one told me how your heart will feel ripped out and stomped on when your baby is sick and helpless for no reason. Or how hard you will cry when they try to stick an IV in their tiny veins over and over. No one told me how you will question why you made the decision to procreate. No one told me how you will be scared to death your husband will fall out of love with you because you all of a sudden are a hormonal crazy person that cries incessantly as your newborn cries too. No one told me how much harder this job is if you are type A and OCD like me. No one told me.
 
Since May 3rd, I have faced many challenges. I know some mothers have faced worse or more, but God definitely thought I was super mom. Each week has thrown something new at me, aside from the regular adjustments to a newborn. From having a long labor ending in an unwanted c-section, to having a horribly painful breastfeeding experience, to discovering Wylie has a milk soy protein intolerance which was why breastfeeding was so hard (and she was fussy/in pain), to finding out my own incision was infected, and then to have my baby admitted for a very rare case of infant mastitis & spending 3 days/nights in the hospital - you could say it's not been a walk in the park. I am by no means trying to seek pity or whine. I am only trying to strip down the "bliss of motherhood" and show the true raw and ugly side that sometimes happens. Why does it happen? Who knows. God has been teaching me patience hard core the past few years and I thought I was doing well. He must have decided I needed another course. He also decided I needed a course in letting go, being stronger and allowing my independent stubborn self to let others help me. He decided Wylie needed a strong mother. Although I am not strong- I am made strong through Him via my own weaknesses. I will put my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears, my problems, my brokenness on display for all to see for His glorification. For without Him, I would be lost. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV) Without my amazing husband, supportive families and friends- I would have gone insane. No matter how big or small the problem, God cares. He has shown His goodness and faithfulness and brought me and many, many people to their knees to seek His help in healing my precious baby girl. In all my years of heart aches, disappointments and broken hearts from boys, pets passing away, grandparents passing etc- I have never felt as broken as I did when my baby had to be admitted to the hospital and stuck over & over to run an IV at the age of 22 days. I have never shed more tears. I have never sang more hymns to calm myself and her. I have never doubted myself and my decisions so much. So while motherhood is hard and no one told me the degree on a scale of 0-10, I'm telling whoever is reading this. (It's a 10 btw) Moms, wives, single women. Men. Listen up. It's not pretty. It's not easy. Yes, kids are cute and fun. Even though you think you're ready and capable you will doubt it every second of every day and second guess everything you've ever known. But then you look at them and they smile and all is ok again. God has blessed me with an overall healthy, beautiful baby girl that I love more than anything on this earth.  He blessed me with amazing support and love from so many people. I know nothing worth having is easy, and this totally fits this subject. I know we will face more challenges in different variations and stages. Some will be harder than the past 24 days. Some will be easier and feel like a breeze compared to now. For whatever reason, God has a point. A plan. A path. I'm going to buckle up. And put on a helmet. :-)
 
Thank you for reading. Thank you for praying. Thank you for your unending love and friendships near and far. I never knew how hard life could be. I know we all have our own battles. I hope each one of you know The Lord, for He can help. I hope some of my experiences have shown Him and His goodness to you. For that, must be part of His reasoning. I am in no way perfect, nor will I ever be. But I will strive to be the best I can to my family and to please God.

I am PRAISING and THANKING God for His comfort, His grace, His mercy, His power, His calming, His Healing of my sweet Wylie.  We still have to get through transitioning home again and giving her antibiotics 3x/day and applying heat compresses to continue to let her heal and get better.  I know He will provide all we need.  God is good.
 
"for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Philippians 2:13 NIV
 

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:16 NIV)

Mastitis in my sweet girl.  This looks good compared to Sunday night.  The infection is trying to "draw" itself out.  Yes, it looks and is painful.  Yes, its a freakishly rare thing to happen in newborn babies.  Google it. I did not pass the infection to her at all.  Babies have milk from mother's hormones passively, and those ducts can get clogged and infected just like in nursing mom's if not expressed/secreted.

Wylie Jewell Collier- a Birth Story

So on Friday, May 2^nd (my due date),  after I left the doctor’s office for my 40 week appointment that showed really no more progress than the week before, I ran to the mall to get some sandals my friend has that I liked.  I then went home and took a hot bath to help reduce the low back pains I had been having off and on since the night before.  After the bath, I was feeling a little better so I then asked Caleb for his help with a certain induction method.  We decided to go eat at Bonefish grill and use our gift card.  On the way there, around 5pm, I was having waves of stronger contractions unlike I had felt before.  I began to use my contraction app, that tracks their length and intervals.  When I sat down across from Caleb, he began to take notice of how fidgety I was and saw me timing something.  Needless to say he freaked out and wanted to leave at once.  I assured him it could just be early labor and we should just finish dinner.  The whole way home, I was still having contractions that were starting to get stronger, longer and closer together. He debated going to the hospital right then.  When we got home, he loaded up the truck and I stayed calm and just let the dogs out and fed them.  I began to test the “position change” to see if it were true or false labor.  It was leaning more on the verge of true, so I called the after hours phone line.  I spoke with the mid-wife and she said if they were less than 5 minutes apart to go on in.  We arrived at the hospital around 8:30 and they put me on a monitor.  The contractions were coming, but not with a steady pattern.  I had dilated to one.  She said they would monitor me for an hour before they would admit me.  After one agonizing hour, no more dilation had been made, so they sent me home with 2 Percocet’s.  I had to walk all the way back out to the main garage, stopping for contractions looking quite silly I guess.  The ride home was awful, but Caleb wanted to stop at Krystal.  As we were waiting to order, the contractions just kept coming so he decided he better go inside to order instead based on my vocalizations.  We got home and I went straight upstairs to take another bath that this time did not help at all.  My usual comfortable positions were now awful.  I then laid down and they just kept on coming.  I walked.  I stood up.  I swayed.  I sat down.  I straddled chairs.  Nothing was helping.  I called the admission nurse again after having taken the pain medicine 3.5 hours prior and she advised me to take the Lortab Rx he had given me earlier that day for the back pain.  She said that in 30 minutes nothing had improved to come back to the hospital.  30 minutes later, we were heading back to the hospital.  Just before we left, I began to shake and vomit.  I had not thrown up in about 6 years.  I knew this was the real thing.

We arrived back at Erlanger around 3am and this time managed to find the Stork parking that was a closer walk than before.  She already had filled in my sign in sheet again.  They took me back and checked for dilation, and this time I was a 3.  I was so relieved, but asked her if she was just lying for me to get me admitted.  She laughed.  She was so sweet.  They again hooked me up to monitors and I waited as she called the on call doctor, luckily MY doctor.  She came back and told me I was being admitted and an epidural was on the way.  I could no longer hold conversations with anyone at this point, so I was just moving along as I was told.  I finally was able to “focus” on relaxing by staying as still and quiet as possible.  I remember singing silently “you are my strength when I am weak, you are the treasure that I seek, you are my all in all.  Seeking you as a precious JEWEL, Lord to give up I’d be a fool, you are my all in all.”  Caleb had gone to move the truck to the garage at this time so I just laid as still as I could praying over and over that the epidural was coming.  Ginny, our amazing charge nurse, soon came and so did the anesthesiologist.  They helped me get in position and talked me through getting the scary, yet wondrous epidural.  As crazy as it made my legs feel, it was worth it to have relief from low back pain for the first time in 30 hours. 

I could now hold a conversation with my nurses and get to know them a little.  I managed to fall asleep after 4 am and so did Caleb.   

 Olivia came in around 6:30 before her shift to say hello.  Not too much later, Caleb’s parents also arrived.  I soon progressed to a 5 and they broke my water.  My parents arrived and the excitement was building but I was able to take little cat naps as diffusing lavender with my diffuser helped me stay relaxed.  I made it to 10 cm by noon and my nurse said it wouldn’t be long after that.  There was intense pressure building down below despite my epidural. I really couldn’t get comfortable again and it was all too familiar of the pain from the night before.  At this time, I had to go back into focus mode, so all my updates to my friends/family ceased as I couldn’t multitask.  My awesome day shift nurse Hadleigh, came back and said I was stage 2+ and we would start pushing.  She had high hopes it wouldn’t take long.  An hour later, after my mom and Caleb were helping hold my legs and Erica was holding my back, we were getting no where fast.  My doctor then came in and monitored the pushing process.  He said due to her size and my size that it probably wasn’t feasible for a vaginal delivery but he would allow me to try as long as I wanted.  I was so very torn as I didn’t want to “take the easy way out” and give into a c-section, but I also didn’t want to push for 3 more hours and still end up having one anyway.  I was beyond all exhaustion both mentally and physically by this point as I had not slept in almost 36 hours time.  I began to have a breakdown feeling disappointed in myself especially since I had had a great pregnancy this whole time.  I agreed to the c-section, but was not happy about it.  More epidural came and therefore more uncontrollable shaking. I had to take this awful liquid junk and they made me lay flat after that.  I began to feel nauseated, fearing if I need to throw up how in the world I would be able to since I couldn’t move myself.  I was afraid of aspirating to death on the surgical table.  Everything from there was a big blur.  My friends and family came to say things to me, Caleb had on his brave face and my father in law prayed over me.  I remember being in the OR, still nauseated with both arms strapped out to the sides like a crucifixion.  The nausea and fear returned.  I kept thinking “this is supposed to be a happy day and I’m beyond miserable.”  The shaking worsened, causing my neck to tense up in great pain and then my entire jaw line did too.  I couldn’t even hear what everyone was saying.  I just felt Caleb and Erica’s hands on mine.  Erica was there to take pictures of Wylie, but she ended up just being the awesome person she needed to be to support me as well.  I dozed in and out of sleep only to finally be awakened by the cry of my baby girl.  At least she was safe is all I could think of.  It seemed like forever before they brought her to see me and I kissed her over and over.  I could then begin to feel more pressure and the doc explained they were putting me back together again, layer by layer.  The neck and jaw pain and shaking continued.  They finally weighed her, 8 pounds 14 ounces.  She was a big girl, but she was also face up and her head was bruised from being rammed up against my pubic bone, stuck.  She would have never come out vaginally.  I had made the right choice, although it was not my first choice.  Erica continued to take pictures of just my head, having the not so perfect birth experience.  I kept falling asleep.  Exhausted, they finally wheel me into recovery, and hand me my perfect baby girl.

We immediately got to do skin to skin contact and begin breastfeeding, although I had no idea what I was doing.  I was just so happy to be sitting upright and with Caleb and my baby girl.  Our parents got to come in a little while after and then we were moved to mother-baby room.  I am pretty sure I was delirious as I don’t remember much else that night.  I managed to get a couple sets of 3 hours of sleep in that night between nursing checks for both Wylie and me.  It felt great to finally get the IV out of the crook of my left arm and the foley out.  Around 5am Sunday morning, I stood up out of bed for the first time in 26 hours.  No wonder I hurt all over. Who stays in the bed that long and has a c-section? It was not my ideal plan.  But God kept both Wylie and me safe and that’s all that matters. 

Looking back today, I am so thankful for the amazing nurses, anesthesiologists, surgical techs, my doctor, my husband, my family and my friends who were all there for me and looking out for our best interest.  It was very scary but I felt the Lord’s presence around me.  Today has been great as it started out with me getting to take a shower and move around the room.  We have had lots of visitors and of course everyone is in love with our Wylie Jewell.  We are extremely blessed.  While I’m very sore, stiff, and swollen, I know I will recover eventually.  It didn’t occur to me until this afternoon exactly what a major surgery I endured yesterday. While I didn’t have the birth story I was expecting, I did get the sweetest girl in the world and to see the most awesome husband and daddy jump in like a pro.  My heart is full and I couldn’t ask for more.