No one warned me- A First Time Mother's "Bliss"

No one warned me. No one told me the hard parts. No one shows the non glamorous side of motherhood and who would dare discuss it and seem like they were complaining.  No, I'm not talking about sleepless nights, spit up, pee or poop. I will take that all day long folks. No one told me how alone being a mom makes you feel. No one told me how badly you will mourn your former life and self then feel horribly selfish for it at the same time. No one told me how your heart will feel ripped out and stomped on when your baby is sick and helpless for no reason. Or how hard you will cry when they try to stick an IV in their tiny veins over and over. No one told me how you will question why you made the decision to procreate. No one told me how you will be scared to death your husband will fall out of love with you because you all of a sudden are a hormonal crazy person that cries incessantly as your newborn cries too. No one told me how much harder this job is if you are type A and OCD like me. No one told me.
 
Since May 3rd, I have faced many challenges. I know some mothers have faced worse or more, but God definitely thought I was super mom. Each week has thrown something new at me, aside from the regular adjustments to a newborn. From having a long labor ending in an unwanted c-section, to having a horribly painful breastfeeding experience, to discovering Wylie has a milk soy protein intolerance which was why breastfeeding was so hard (and she was fussy/in pain), to finding out my own incision was infected, and then to have my baby admitted for a very rare case of infant mastitis & spending 3 days/nights in the hospital - you could say it's not been a walk in the park. I am by no means trying to seek pity or whine. I am only trying to strip down the "bliss of motherhood" and show the true raw and ugly side that sometimes happens. Why does it happen? Who knows. God has been teaching me patience hard core the past few years and I thought I was doing well. He must have decided I needed another course. He also decided I needed a course in letting go, being stronger and allowing my independent stubborn self to let others help me. He decided Wylie needed a strong mother. Although I am not strong- I am made strong through Him via my own weaknesses. I will put my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears, my problems, my brokenness on display for all to see for His glorification. For without Him, I would be lost. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV) Without my amazing husband, supportive families and friends- I would have gone insane. No matter how big or small the problem, God cares. He has shown His goodness and faithfulness and brought me and many, many people to their knees to seek His help in healing my precious baby girl. In all my years of heart aches, disappointments and broken hearts from boys, pets passing away, grandparents passing etc- I have never felt as broken as I did when my baby had to be admitted to the hospital and stuck over & over to run an IV at the age of 22 days. I have never shed more tears. I have never sang more hymns to calm myself and her. I have never doubted myself and my decisions so much. So while motherhood is hard and no one told me the degree on a scale of 0-10, I'm telling whoever is reading this. (It's a 10 btw) Moms, wives, single women. Men. Listen up. It's not pretty. It's not easy. Yes, kids are cute and fun. Even though you think you're ready and capable you will doubt it every second of every day and second guess everything you've ever known. But then you look at them and they smile and all is ok again. God has blessed me with an overall healthy, beautiful baby girl that I love more than anything on this earth.  He blessed me with amazing support and love from so many people. I know nothing worth having is easy, and this totally fits this subject. I know we will face more challenges in different variations and stages. Some will be harder than the past 24 days. Some will be easier and feel like a breeze compared to now. For whatever reason, God has a point. A plan. A path. I'm going to buckle up. And put on a helmet. :-)
 
Thank you for reading. Thank you for praying. Thank you for your unending love and friendships near and far. I never knew how hard life could be. I know we all have our own battles. I hope each one of you know The Lord, for He can help. I hope some of my experiences have shown Him and His goodness to you. For that, must be part of His reasoning. I am in no way perfect, nor will I ever be. But I will strive to be the best I can to my family and to please God.

I am PRAISING and THANKING God for His comfort, His grace, His mercy, His power, His calming, His Healing of my sweet Wylie.  We still have to get through transitioning home again and giving her antibiotics 3x/day and applying heat compresses to continue to let her heal and get better.  I know He will provide all we need.  God is good.
 
"for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Philippians 2:13 NIV
 

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:16 NIV)

Mastitis in my sweet girl.  This looks good compared to Sunday night.  The infection is trying to "draw" itself out.  Yes, it looks and is painful.  Yes, its a freakishly rare thing to happen in newborn babies.  Google it. I did not pass the infection to her at all.  Babies have milk from mother's hormones passively, and those ducts can get clogged and infected just like in nursing mom's if not expressed/secreted.

Wylie Jewell Collier- a Birth Story

So on Friday, May 2^nd (my due date),  after I left the doctor’s office for my 40 week appointment that showed really no more progress than the week before, I ran to the mall to get some sandals my friend has that I liked.  I then went home and took a hot bath to help reduce the low back pains I had been having off and on since the night before.  After the bath, I was feeling a little better so I then asked Caleb for his help with a certain induction method.  We decided to go eat at Bonefish grill and use our gift card.  On the way there, around 5pm, I was having waves of stronger contractions unlike I had felt before.  I began to use my contraction app, that tracks their length and intervals.  When I sat down across from Caleb, he began to take notice of how fidgety I was and saw me timing something.  Needless to say he freaked out and wanted to leave at once.  I assured him it could just be early labor and we should just finish dinner.  The whole way home, I was still having contractions that were starting to get stronger, longer and closer together. He debated going to the hospital right then.  When we got home, he loaded up the truck and I stayed calm and just let the dogs out and fed them.  I began to test the “position change” to see if it were true or false labor.  It was leaning more on the verge of true, so I called the after hours phone line.  I spoke with the mid-wife and she said if they were less than 5 minutes apart to go on in.  We arrived at the hospital around 8:30 and they put me on a monitor.  The contractions were coming, but not with a steady pattern.  I had dilated to one.  She said they would monitor me for an hour before they would admit me.  After one agonizing hour, no more dilation had been made, so they sent me home with 2 Percocet’s.  I had to walk all the way back out to the main garage, stopping for contractions looking quite silly I guess.  The ride home was awful, but Caleb wanted to stop at Krystal.  As we were waiting to order, the contractions just kept coming so he decided he better go inside to order instead based on my vocalizations.  We got home and I went straight upstairs to take another bath that this time did not help at all.  My usual comfortable positions were now awful.  I then laid down and they just kept on coming.  I walked.  I stood up.  I swayed.  I sat down.  I straddled chairs.  Nothing was helping.  I called the admission nurse again after having taken the pain medicine 3.5 hours prior and she advised me to take the Lortab Rx he had given me earlier that day for the back pain.  She said that in 30 minutes nothing had improved to come back to the hospital.  30 minutes later, we were heading back to the hospital.  Just before we left, I began to shake and vomit.  I had not thrown up in about 6 years.  I knew this was the real thing.

We arrived back at Erlanger around 3am and this time managed to find the Stork parking that was a closer walk than before.  She already had filled in my sign in sheet again.  They took me back and checked for dilation, and this time I was a 3.  I was so relieved, but asked her if she was just lying for me to get me admitted.  She laughed.  She was so sweet.  They again hooked me up to monitors and I waited as she called the on call doctor, luckily MY doctor.  She came back and told me I was being admitted and an epidural was on the way.  I could no longer hold conversations with anyone at this point, so I was just moving along as I was told.  I finally was able to “focus” on relaxing by staying as still and quiet as possible.  I remember singing silently “you are my strength when I am weak, you are the treasure that I seek, you are my all in all.  Seeking you as a precious JEWEL, Lord to give up I’d be a fool, you are my all in all.”  Caleb had gone to move the truck to the garage at this time so I just laid as still as I could praying over and over that the epidural was coming.  Ginny, our amazing charge nurse, soon came and so did the anesthesiologist.  They helped me get in position and talked me through getting the scary, yet wondrous epidural.  As crazy as it made my legs feel, it was worth it to have relief from low back pain for the first time in 30 hours. 

I could now hold a conversation with my nurses and get to know them a little.  I managed to fall asleep after 4 am and so did Caleb.   

 Olivia came in around 6:30 before her shift to say hello.  Not too much later, Caleb’s parents also arrived.  I soon progressed to a 5 and they broke my water.  My parents arrived and the excitement was building but I was able to take little cat naps as diffusing lavender with my diffuser helped me stay relaxed.  I made it to 10 cm by noon and my nurse said it wouldn’t be long after that.  There was intense pressure building down below despite my epidural. I really couldn’t get comfortable again and it was all too familiar of the pain from the night before.  At this time, I had to go back into focus mode, so all my updates to my friends/family ceased as I couldn’t multitask.  My awesome day shift nurse Hadleigh, came back and said I was stage 2+ and we would start pushing.  She had high hopes it wouldn’t take long.  An hour later, after my mom and Caleb were helping hold my legs and Erica was holding my back, we were getting no where fast.  My doctor then came in and monitored the pushing process.  He said due to her size and my size that it probably wasn’t feasible for a vaginal delivery but he would allow me to try as long as I wanted.  I was so very torn as I didn’t want to “take the easy way out” and give into a c-section, but I also didn’t want to push for 3 more hours and still end up having one anyway.  I was beyond all exhaustion both mentally and physically by this point as I had not slept in almost 36 hours time.  I began to have a breakdown feeling disappointed in myself especially since I had had a great pregnancy this whole time.  I agreed to the c-section, but was not happy about it.  More epidural came and therefore more uncontrollable shaking. I had to take this awful liquid junk and they made me lay flat after that.  I began to feel nauseated, fearing if I need to throw up how in the world I would be able to since I couldn’t move myself.  I was afraid of aspirating to death on the surgical table.  Everything from there was a big blur.  My friends and family came to say things to me, Caleb had on his brave face and my father in law prayed over me.  I remember being in the OR, still nauseated with both arms strapped out to the sides like a crucifixion.  The nausea and fear returned.  I kept thinking “this is supposed to be a happy day and I’m beyond miserable.”  The shaking worsened, causing my neck to tense up in great pain and then my entire jaw line did too.  I couldn’t even hear what everyone was saying.  I just felt Caleb and Erica’s hands on mine.  Erica was there to take pictures of Wylie, but she ended up just being the awesome person she needed to be to support me as well.  I dozed in and out of sleep only to finally be awakened by the cry of my baby girl.  At least she was safe is all I could think of.  It seemed like forever before they brought her to see me and I kissed her over and over.  I could then begin to feel more pressure and the doc explained they were putting me back together again, layer by layer.  The neck and jaw pain and shaking continued.  They finally weighed her, 8 pounds 14 ounces.  She was a big girl, but she was also face up and her head was bruised from being rammed up against my pubic bone, stuck.  She would have never come out vaginally.  I had made the right choice, although it was not my first choice.  Erica continued to take pictures of just my head, having the not so perfect birth experience.  I kept falling asleep.  Exhausted, they finally wheel me into recovery, and hand me my perfect baby girl.

We immediately got to do skin to skin contact and begin breastfeeding, although I had no idea what I was doing.  I was just so happy to be sitting upright and with Caleb and my baby girl.  Our parents got to come in a little while after and then we were moved to mother-baby room.  I am pretty sure I was delirious as I don’t remember much else that night.  I managed to get a couple sets of 3 hours of sleep in that night between nursing checks for both Wylie and me.  It felt great to finally get the IV out of the crook of my left arm and the foley out.  Around 5am Sunday morning, I stood up out of bed for the first time in 26 hours.  No wonder I hurt all over. Who stays in the bed that long and has a c-section? It was not my ideal plan.  But God kept both Wylie and me safe and that’s all that matters. 

Looking back today, I am so thankful for the amazing nurses, anesthesiologists, surgical techs, my doctor, my husband, my family and my friends who were all there for me and looking out for our best interest.  It was very scary but I felt the Lord’s presence around me.  Today has been great as it started out with me getting to take a shower and move around the room.  We have had lots of visitors and of course everyone is in love with our Wylie Jewell.  We are extremely blessed.  While I’m very sore, stiff, and swollen, I know I will recover eventually.  It didn’t occur to me until this afternoon exactly what a major surgery I endured yesterday. While I didn’t have the birth story I was expecting, I did get the sweetest girl in the world and to see the most awesome husband and daddy jump in like a pro.  My heart is full and I couldn’t ask for more. 

Wylie Jewell Collier- 40 weeks

Caleb added the size comparison this week

How far along: 40 weeks (Due Date today, May 2nd)

Food comparison:  Jackfruit/Watermelon (18.9 to 20.9 inches long, 6.2-9.2lbs)

Weight gain: 23 pounds

Sleep: Had been sleeping great.  Last night I began to have AWFUL cramping like back pain that kept me up almost every hour.  My doctor says that is her trying to get lower and get out.  I sure hope so.

Best moment of the week(s): Making it to her due date and having my last official day of work for 12 weeks.  Although, I really wish she were already here.  I didn't want to spend any of my leave without her :(

 Movement: she is moving a lot but very cramped in there. Sometimes she is very still, others very active.

Food cravings/aversions:  nothing special really.  Sushi maybe :)

What I miss: sleeping on my stomach, my full wardrobe, dance class with my girls, being able to clean/do as much as I want like I used to, walking my normal pace,  my usual Energizer bunny energy levels, bending over normally, tying my shoes quickly

Workouts: I worked all the way up through my due date.  I spent a lot of time this week riding the stationary bike and bouncing/stretching on a yoga ball.  I also went to Zumba last Saturday which I'm sure was a sight to see.  I felt like the Tin Man.

Stretch marks: none!! I am slathering on cocoa butter lotion daily hoping to prevent them. I also made a creme from my YL essential oils with lavender, frankincense and coconut oil that feels amazing. Dolly loves to sniff and lick my stomach after because she loves the smell!

Maternity clothes: just whatever fits.  my selection is slim now that the seasons have changed.

Belly button: an official "outie"

Gender: my sweet (STUBBORN) Wylie girl

Symptoms: intensifying cramping, pressure/tightening, anxiousness, low back pain, peeing a lot more often.

Rings: on-- no swelling anywhere!! (Thank you Zija and Sockwell compression socks)

Mood: happy, anxious, excited, nervous, uncomfortable, IMPATIENT

 Labor signs:  thinning, dropped cervix, "Fingertip" dilated, lost plug, head down low, cramping low back pain

Upcoming appts/events: Hopefully the arrival of Miss Wylie Jewell! Come on baby girl! We all want to see your gorgeous face and love on you!  If she doesn't come on her own, I will be induced on Tuesday night, May 6th at 10pm.  I hope she comes before then.  Please say a prayer that she does.  I want to go into labor on my own.