Tonight at dinner as Caleb and I ate at our usual places at our bar, the silence was deafening. We were talking yes, but it was a weird silence throughout our house. The dogs were lying under our feet as usual hoping for a dropped morsel of food but no toys were squeaking or barking commencing. I realized this was one of the last times this particular silence would be in our house. Within a month, the life we once knew will be no more. Who knows if we will even get to sit down to dinner together at the same time for a while depending on Wylie's feeding schedule. As I type this I'm tearing up and scared to death. For I know we are very blessed to have a beautiful baby girl that we prayed for on the way, but I also feel somewhat remorseful over what we will be losing...
And that makes me feel very selfish. For I know each step that God has allowed my life to progress into has always been better than the last, but it doesn't mean I can't miss things about the past. There are times I miss high school, others I miss post college life, but usually just momentarily. I think I mostly just miss the people and how our lives once intertwined, only to now be consumed with busyness, families and work. Oh how I've tried to cherish these past 8 months with just us and our sweet puppies but it's been very busy with football, holidays and getting things ready for Wylie. It has flown by much faster than I thought it would. I pray every night that God will give me the strength to be able to stretch my limits once more adding being a mom to also a wife, daughter, friend, physical therapist, dog mom, maid, and Christian. I dream of being the Proverbs 31 woman. But some days I know I won't even begin to live up to it. I know most every first time mom must share these feelings with me and I'm not alone and all of you have done just fine. But I also have this perfectionist personality that will be hard to resist making me feel like I can't give 100% to all those that depend on me which will in turn cause disappointment in myself. Priorities will change. Life will change. I will change. Caleb will change. But if these changes were all so bad, then why would people keeping having kids right?
I know what you're thinking- I have no idea what I'm about to be in for on any level and just how much I will love my daughter, changing my life for the better. I know the concept of this yes, but in about a month I will know it from the other side. I guess in my own way that I do not often request, I am asking for prayers. A prayer just to calm my nerves, strengthen my faith, provide enough energy to make it through working full time up until she arrives as my job is extremely physical, a safe and swift delivery, a healthy, happy baby girl, & for our (Caleb, the dogs & myself) transition into this whole new realm where silence will be no more. Where life as we have known it for the past 4 carefree blissful years will be no more. I guess I'm making this sound like a death sentence and I by no means mean to sound regretful for embarking on parenthood. I guess the cold feet is just part of it. I never got cold feet before our wedding, so now I'm paying double.
Please don't attempt to judge me as if I'm a horribly selfish person and no other first time mom has never felt these emotions before. For most of you would be lying if you said you weren't scared. Change in general is scary, much less bringing a human being into the world 100% dependent on you. I just simply have enough guts to express it in words, in hopes to maybe one day help another first time mom feel comforted. So at this vulnerable time, I'm confessing I'm ridiculously scared yet excited at the same time. I am humbled that the good Lord above would give me the opportunity to be a mom, especially Wylie's mom. I am thankful to have such a strong support system within my husband, parents, in-laws, church family, friends and my Facebook/blog readers. I am grateful for each of you that took the time to read this, follow this journey, offer encouragement, and pray for us and Miss Wylie Jewell. It truly means more than you know. I have a lot to learn and can't wait to raise up our baby girl the best we can, relying on the One who brought this whole family together, for without Him, my life would not be anywhere as amazing as it has turned out.
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